Diageo’s head chief of things Dr Ebenezer Plinth has announced that Mumford & Sons are to take charge of all areas of their Scottish distilling programme, all Diageo distilleries will come under the umbrella of their new leadership. The announcement comes shortly after the revelations in an STV interview with the band in which they declared an interest in creating their own whisky, twiglet-faced key pusher Ben Lovett said
“It’ll happen. It takes a few years to make, so we better get cracking.”
Dr Plinth said in a press statement,
“…natural instinct and knowledge such as that just can’t be learned, Ben and his band mates have clearly just been born with whisky hard-wired into their DNA, that’s why I’ve just fired Jim Beveridge, Nick Morgan, Caroline Martin and Keith Law to make room for Mumford & Sons.”
Not as good as Mumford & Sons apparently.
The move was instigated after the band implied that their whisky would need at least three years of maturity, a level that would keep it in line with their music and fan base. Marcus Mumford (the fat one) said after the announcement:
“This is great news for us. We’ve always wanted to make a whisky that would be suitable for the kind of muddy, ecstacy strewn shit fields we like to play. The kind you can imagine selling to an undulating crowd of surging media twats that will happily pay £5 a shot. This is right up my groove man.”
Mumford & Son’s first line of duty will be applying their natural flair for distilling across Diageo’s entire range of distilleries helping distillers to understand how to make perfectly decent whisky in only three years. Speaking privately in a really relaxed manner loo-brush faced Ted Dwayne said:
“I’m really excited, I think once we’ve done our first cask then that will probably be the biggest hurdle out of the way. Obviously the second cask is always tricky but we’ve got some really cool new ideas about where we’d like to take our whisky, I mean that the beauty of where we are right now and where you are after your first two casks, the third and fourth casks can really be anything you want them to be. Obviously we want to experiment with rapping, we spoke to Jay Z about it, he’s really into micro-brewing actually. Wait, are we still talking about about whisky? You’ll have to forgive me, I’ve just had a Tizer, I’m a little out of sorts.”
When pressed about specific initiatives that Mumford & Sons would be working on Dr Plinth said:
“…well the boys have some great ideas about where to take the Talisker Weather Series, I’m really looking forward to the next edition which will be called ‘Storm 2: Stiff Wind’. They’ve also talked about changing the Johnnie Walker portfolio by replacing the word ‘label’ with ‘babel’, they said it would sell more bottles because people would think it was their second album in liquid form and that it was cool because it rhymed and I’m not one to disagree with that kind of market intuition.”
Seen here collecting the ‘most bullshit, ill thought out, middle class thing to do with all your fucking money’ Brit Award sponsored by Alex James and all his fucking cheese.
Peter Dinklage lookalike and lead Banjo throttler Winston Marshall has already outlined the band’s plans to record their forthcoming album in the warehouse at Royal Lochnagar distillery.
“Well we really want to fuse our two scenes together but also it’s common knowledge that musical vibrations can help make really mellow flavoured whisky. Our brand of soothing folk-rock is perfect for lending whisky that real smoothness that it should have. Also whisky is a grass roots industry, just like us, so it’s fitting that we should record in an environment that is totally all about wood and rusty metal things and dampness and shit. We can’t play in every warehouse that Diageo own but they’ve promised us that they’ll play our music through loud speakers during working hours. That way the whisky will improve but the workers will also have a workplace filled with chilled out vibes.”
Dr Nick Morgan said while waiting for a bus back to London:
” I can still pay the guitar better than all of them put together, even if you cut off my hands and dragged me to Sunderland behind a pair of flatulent oxen! Do you have any spare change?”